Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
