He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize