i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
