i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
