why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
