also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
