I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
