the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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