I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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