Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
