I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize