Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
