The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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