Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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