the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just pee around me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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