Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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