you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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