I can tuck mytits in my pants
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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