I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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