oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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