Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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