ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
