Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
