Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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