She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
