I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
