I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
