okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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