I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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