I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
