I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
