I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
