Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
bring money and cleavage
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
