i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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