The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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