grandma shit on top of the toilet
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
