god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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