Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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