she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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