Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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