I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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