I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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