The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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