I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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