You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
