clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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