Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
