Cold hands, warm shart.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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