Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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