proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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