Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
