my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
