She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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