Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
