He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
