my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
