he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
