Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
