I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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