happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
